I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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