That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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