I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
