i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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