The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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