I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Tornado booty call.. dedication
This is classic penis vs brain.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
