i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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