Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
