the condom got lost in my hair
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
