I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
