I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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