I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
