You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
