just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
