So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Everyone says I win the strip club
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
