A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
