I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
lets start a swedish sibling band together
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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