Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
