i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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