Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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