i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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