Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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