I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
