they need to just BURY HIM!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
