I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
