im holly from the hills drunk
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
