i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
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