i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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