Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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