I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
