Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
