the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
