Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize