I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize