i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
