bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
