I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
