Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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