Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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