sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
