tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
