Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
