bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
