Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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