Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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