There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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