By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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