She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
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