So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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