I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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