you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
