If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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