I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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