quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
