so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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