so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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